Thursday, October 22, 2009

hold up a mirror.

things I do, have recently done or am preparing to do that I never thought I would/swore I never would:
  • "dressed down" to go to the symphony: ie. jeans and flats.
  • took a spin class.
  • liked the spin class.
  • talked to a perfect stranger about his sexual health and my own, for the purpose of advising his future decisions.
  • allowed a man to put a big honkin' diamond on my finger. And LOVED it.
  • shopped with any degree of regularity at Whole Foods Market.
  • meditate.
  • lived with a man before I was married to him.
  • bought tight jeans because they were tight, instead of jeans that were more comfortable.
  • joined a club--in the membership, dues-y sense of the word.
  • seen an acupuncturist on a regular basis.
  • been the type of person who would consider attending benefits and writing checks over volunteering with my time and talents.
  • been the type of woman who would request that her partner "wear the sexy thing to bed I like."
  • been the type of person seduced into moving into an apartment by the stainless steel appliances.
  • been the type of woman who loves to wear high heels.
  • considered having a kid not to be the worst fucking thing in the world to happen to me.

The thing I'm learning about myself is that I make a lot. A LOT. of snap judgements, and almost every time they blow up in my face. This list just forces me to confront that I'm not the woman I swore I'd be when I was 17, or 21, or even 26. It would seem to me that a lot of the things I am/do have made me less conservative than I used to be, but not all of them. Some of them perhaps are things to be ashamed of: despite the fact that there are some things I just have to buy at Whole Paycheck to stay healthy, I'm still not so keen on spending money there; I miss volunteer work: a good fundraiser is fascinating, fun, and frankly good material, but I miss the pitching in--although nothing is standing in my way but me. And I never thought I'd even consider having children. I suppose the good thing, and one of the most interesting, about life is that it changes you. It allows you to forgive yourself for being too tired to put on another pair of binding tights to go hear Diane Reeves tear it UP at the Symphony Center; it allows you to delight in the choice to build a home with your partner without feeling the pressure of having to commit to something you aren't yet ready to. It allows you to find the different ways to speak to God, to hear His voice and commune without using words that are threatening or challenging or discouraging. Allowing your life choices to surprise you every now and then is freeing, and kind of difficult, but it continues to be worth the thing I learn about myself.

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