Tuesday, March 27, 2012

We've Got Company

I pulled this off her website, heidiwdurrow.com

As a part of this year's Story Week Festival of Writers, Heidi Durrow came into town and read and spoke. Heidi Durrow is really cool; her name's been pretty important in my house for years now. Last summer my husband and I told a story at the 2011 Mixed Roots Literary and Film Festival, and since, we've been big fans.

I've been making my way through her arresting debut novel, The Girl Who Fell From the Sky, and a few nights ago, I came across this passage.
"David," she said to her husband as she turned toward him in bed. "The sadness is coming over me again."
"I know. Come here."
Laronne moved closer and let herself feel the warmth of his arms around her shoulders and on her back, and the heat of his chest on her face.
"I can't get rid of this sadness," Laronne said.
"Well," David said, "then we'll just have to keep it company."
 I slammed the book shut at this point. There've been lots of places where I've been slamming this book shut, where something I read has taken my breath away, cut through to the center part of me and I have to think and feel for a while before I can keep going. This one I remember the most clearly.
                                                                                 *
"I don't like to stay still when I'm sad," my husband said to me this morning when I asked him how he combats the blues. I like this idea, this choice to get up and move: maybe take a walk or, as I cast my eyes round our apartment, do some cleaning; this choice banishes the blues, makes them less "rooted" (says husband) maybe loosens them so much that they blow or wipe away.
I took this in Baltimore, January 2007

I feel sad today. I had a nightmare about arguing with someone I like but haven't seen for months, and since last night my chest has felt wrapped in a kind of sadness. The heart is a kind of center of the body, a muscle that never ceases to move important information throughout your body; or rather, if you're lucky your heart only stops once, at the end of a life lived with joy, satisfaction, health and minimal regret. So to feel cloaked in sadness at this center of myself, the space where more than anywhere else I try to connect with others, in many ways, it hurts.

In a yoga class recently, I spent more time than usual connecting to my heart center. As per the teacher's coaching, I sent my awareness from my third eye into my heart center and silently said things like "Hey, heart. I feel that you're beating really fast right now. That last round of sun salutations was great; you're stronger than I thought you were. But I'm going to try not to work too hard. I'm not competing with anyone. Thank you. I feel you." It was pretty nice to practice checking into that place, that chakra where all the love you can feel, that part of you that connects with devotion, forgiveness and social awareness. I came out of that class walking tall, my posture impeccable, feeling connected to the world around me while still grounded in myself--in short, like a million bucks.

But sometime yesterday this cloud has descended around my heart, a lot like the fog that's been wrapping around Chicago lately. I feel sad: a kind of wordless cold, tingly ache that is hard to understand.

I like explanations, and so I'd love to blame this on something: my hormones; current job stress; a bad break-up; and maybe it is all these things. But having an explanation doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make the sad loosen or evaporate.

My therapist would tell me (and probably will, in a few hours) to be still with the feeling. You know, protect myself, make healthy choices and all--so no curling up with the Knob Creek or the dairy-free chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream and seasons 1-4 of Mad Men--but stay grounded in what I'm feeling and see what comes up. There's wisdom in that advice. I suppose there's something Taoist about it, given my extremely limited knowledge base of Taoism. The idea of accepting what is will prevent suffering. Face the facts, don't judge or belittle your reality, just recognize what is true.
But I can get on board with my husband's advice. Moving around will help me forget what I'm feeling, that is so wordless and unclear, and yet heavy enough to make me feel like it's lead running in my veins and not blood. If I can move around, maybe this feeling will slide off me, maybe the smell of white vinegar and tea tree oil will make me forget whatever it is I'm mourning.

The truth is, though, even if I do put on some speed and spend the next hour in a frenzy of house cleaning and practical behavior, that I'll be dragging that sadness with me: into the bedroom to make the bed, into the bathroom where every surface imaginable needs attention, over to my desk that has been waiting for me to tidy up, and eventually onto my yoga mat. The sadness isn't going to go away.
Guess I have to keep it company.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Cashing Out

List of things I never thought I'd do as an adult:

  • become a vegan.
  • sue someone.
  • worry about my reproductive health.
  • have reproductive health complications.
  • use an eyelash curler.
  • fart in front of my husband.
  • worry about being downsized.
  • yell at a stranger in a grocery store.
  • break up with my mother.
  • consider moving out of the Midwest.
  • move in with a man before I married him.
  • consider watching porn.
  • want not to have children.
  • get a tattoo.
I realize I've been saying this a lot: "I never thought this would be a part of my life as an adult." I don't know how old I was when I fantasized about being a grown-up: maybe seventeen. Seventeen was a good year. I was driving, I was a senior in high school, I met my first love--which meant I finally had a date to Homecoming and Prom that hadn't been scared up by my girlfriends who wanted me to join them and their dates--I was doing well in school and participating in all my favorite extra-curriculars; life was great.

Right now, life does not feel great. I feel without roots; I feel confused. I feel like things are changing around me too fast to tolerate them, and I don't feel like I have the skills to adapt, or like I know how to. I want to cry, to throw something, to blame everyone else for how badly I feel. I want help.

I want my money back. If I'd known this is what it meant to be an adult, I might have cashed out a long time ago.